Becoming me
by highkingeliot
Summary: Eliot's backstory and a bit of his thoughts after arriving at Brakebills


Becoming Me:

The greatest creative project of my life.

"You will have an hour to complete the quiz, good luck" I heard his voice say like he's said this a million times. Judging by his look he has. He was a broad shouldered man in a suit with a voice resembling some kind of commander. He didn't scare me though, I'd seen worse than him. I was determined, even though I sucked at tests, to not go back to the field I was just in ten minutes ago.

Come to think of it, that was odd. I remember walking into the storage shed and this is what I walked into. I opened the storage shed door to a long hallway pointing me towards an exam room instead of tractors and feed. Don't get me wrong, sure tests suck but mowing a field, feeding chickens and laying hay in stalls for cows, sucked more. I'd take a test over that shit any day. I just hope they don't find out about last week when I went into town. I hope no one finds out about that. I wonder if they can even blame that on me?

"Half hour remains students." I heard his voice boom through the room again breaking my train of thought.

"Fuck" I mumble under my breath. I have to start this damned test. I look down and start and see the questions change before my eyes. "What the fuck kind of test is this?" I look down and they change again. I start writing before this damned test changes it's mind again.

I finish just in time to look up and see that there's only a few people left in the room. I sigh, stand up and gather my things. I still can't help but wonder what the hell all this is. I put my test in this box and look up to see this lady smiling. "Report to the room on this card for the next part of your examination." She hands me a card and I just start walking out of the room. "What the hell is this?" I mumble, attempting to find the "P.A. Room".

"Hey, new kid, it's over here." I look up and see this woman dressed kind of like the ladies I see in the city who have jobs selling clothes and makeup, real fancy. Like the fashion magazines my mom looks at. I walk over and walk in the room which she follows me into.

"I'm Margo, but you can call me your highness." She holds out her hand and looks at me.

I just stare at her, how did she know I was new? Better yet, how did she know this was the room I wanted? What the hell is the next part of this insanity examination?

"And you are….?" She snaps, breaking my thoughts again.

"Ummm, I'm Eliot" I hold out my hand and she shakes it twice with a feeling of indifference.

"hmmm, ok Eliot, what can you do?"

"Well, I, umm, I …."

"Shit, I don't care what you can do, I was sent to this God damned room too you idiot, stop freaking out."

She turned and walked to the front of the room and sat on one of the desks and examined her nails.

"Yeah, well you're one to talk bambi!" Shit, did I just say 'bambi' I was supposed to be 'barbie', fuck. I sit down in the closest desk and try to not make eye contact.

"Bambi? Are you fucking kidding me?" I look up to see she is standing right net to me.

"I'm sorry… I … "

Before I can even complete that thought a woman walks into the front of the room.

"Ok students, come here."

We looked at each other and walked to the front of the room. The lady tested her first. She asked her questions and she did tricks. She shot lightning across the room.

"Holy shit!"

"That's not the first time that's ever happened sweet cheeks, get over it" She rolled her eyes and walked out of the room.

"Ok, your turn" The teacher waved her hand and the room was back to normal.

"I.. umm.. I can't do that." I looked away. Guess this isn't my escape after all. I sigh. "fuck" I whisper under my breath. "Don't fucking cry Eliot" I mouth to myself.

"You don't have to do that, just do what you can do."

Without even thinking, I turn around and scream at her.

'You don't want what I can do! I can't do anything! My family is fucking farmers and I can't do anything like this shit!"

I angrily wave my arms around motioning to all the glass jars and posters and signs of stuff I don't understand as I'm yelling.

"This is not what I can do! What the fuck kind of test is this anyway?!"

I look up as I hear one of the glass jars hit the wall.

"Fantastic! Another physical, not many of those come through here." She smiles as she writes something down, hands me a paper and tells me I will live in the physical cottage, which is across campus.

I walk up to this house and see a note on the door.

"Physical kids, let yourselves in."

I reach down and try to open the door. It shocks me. "Fuck"

"You've got to be kidding me" I hear from behind me and see Margo walking towards me.

"Hi.. um sorry about…."

"Oh, for God's sake El, stop freaking out. So you called me bambi, just secretly means you think I'm a dear and you'll worship the ground I walk on."

She says this like she knows how I think, when she doesn't, at least I think she doesn't.

"That's not what I think" I snap and go back to trying to figure out how to get in what will be my house when I can't open the door.

I stand in front of the door and make motions like I saw some of the other kids doing when I was walking over here. Motion after motion and nothing.

"Just open you stupid fucking God damned door!" I scream and make one more motion out of frustration and the door opens.

"Wait, did I just…"

"Yeah, your magic bitch, get used to it." Margo says as she walks past me and into the house. "Oh, and if you think you get the big room, you're wrong." She says not even looking back and carrying her bags upstairs.

I followed her, looking around as I walked in and I saw the other kids having drinks and talking over spells and enchantments. I walked into my room still wearing dirty jeans and a t-shirt covered in dirt. I look at myself in the full length mirror in the door and get mad.

"I can not go here and look like this" I say to my reflection. "Just look at yourself, you don't even look like you belong here" getting more mad, I quickly recall earlier with the glass jar. I turn away and open the closet.

Inside the closet are dress pants and shirts and vests and ties. "Ok then." I say to myself and carefully grab some things to put on. I walk to the bathroom and shower and sneak back to my room to get dressed. I put on the shirt and pants. They fit, how the hell did they know my size? Oh, right, magic. I finish getting dressed and pull out one of the ties. Shit. It's not tied. My mom would tie ties for me for weddings and funerals and Sunday services. I sigh, looking in the mirror. At least I look better now.

I can't let them know I'm a farmer… what the hell do I do? Someone knocks on my door.

"umm come in?" Before I can finish the sentence my door opens and Margo walks in and closes the door behind her.

"Can I help you?"

"No, but seeing as we are forced to live together I might as well try to like you." She says sitting on my bed and looking at me as if she is critiquing what I'm wearing. I look down and kick my jeans and shirt into my closet. I take a deep breath and sigh. I pull a vest out of the closet and start to put it on.

"Honey, no." Before I can stop her, Margo stands up and takes the vest from me.

"What the hell?"

" Ok first this vest does not go with those pants, and give me that tie too." She takes the vest and tie from me and puts them back, picking out new ones in their place. She grabs a pair of shoes and brings them over to me. "Put these on."

I put the shoes on and reach for the vest. She shakes her head and tosses it on the bed.

"Sit." I do what she says and she stands behind me and ties my tie into a really fancy knot I have never seen before. Everyone in my family wears ties the same way, not like this. "It's called a trinity knot, makes you look like you know what you're doing and makes you a step ahead of these basic bitches." She finished tying the tie and walked over and grabbed the vest. I put it on and stood there almost waiting for her approval.

"Ok, look is good but attitude needs adjusting." She stands up and walks over to me and grabs the tie and pulls me down so I'm looking at her eye to eye. "This clueless shit isn't cute outside Kansas so figure it out." She lets me go and I stand there in shock.

"Ok then what do you suggest I do?" I was really hoping she had an answer cause I had no clue.

"Who have you always wanted to be?"

"I don't know. I'm not popular, I wish I was but I'm not"

"Well by the way you say that, you don't sound very happy about it."

"Would you be?"

She just stood there in silence.

"Ok so what do I do?"

"Think of who you want to be and be that. Figure it out sweetie cause this shit gets old fast. " She left and walked down stairs. I looked in he mirror.

"Ok Eliot, here's your chance, you can be whoever you want." I take a deep breath and stand up straight and head downstairs.

I walk down and see people gathered in groups talking and drinking. I look around and try to see where I should go first. I decide to grab a drink. I walk over to the table and make myself a drink with about four or five different things. Surprisingly it was really good.

No one back in Indiana knew I'd been drinking since I was sixteen. I had also been smoking but the shit smell on the farm drowned that out. Speaking of which, I could use a smoke about now. I sighed and kept drinking.

I woke up the next morning. Felt the sun coming through the window. Fuck! It's past dawn. I'm late! I jump out of bed and throw on my jeans and shirt and run out the door on auto pilot. I run down the stairs and make it out the door.

"What's the rush daddy?" Margo's voice calls out.

I stop suddenly, about falling over.

"Wait…. Margo?"

"Who else would I be?"

I look around and quickly notice this isn't Indiana.

"Holy shit, I'm still here."

"In the flesh." Margo states so matter of factly

I look up and see the man who gave us that test yesterday walking towards us. He stops in front of me.

"Eliot, follow me."

"Shit, I've only been here for a day, what the hell did I do? I didn't even leave the house."

I slowly follow him hoping I don't have to go home. He led me into his office.

"Have a seat."

I sat down and tried to not make eye contact as if not looking at him would mean I wouldn't have to leave.

"Eliot, do you know why you're here?" I looked up at him.

"Umm well, no." I looked down. Shit, maybe he figured out I don't belong here and this is the 'you're going home' speech. Fuck.

"You're here because you're a magician."

"Wait, like the vegas and birthday party guys that pull rabbits out of hats?"

"No, real magic."

"What?"

"Eliot, you're telekinetic."

"Like that guy on X-men?"

"Better than that Eliot. You're not an actor saying you can move things with your mind, you actually can."

I couldn't resist the urge and just broke out laughing.

"Yeah right, like I think about throwing your stupid water glass across the room and it just…"

My thought is broken by the shattering of glass.

"Did, I just…."

"Yes"

I sat there with a shocked look on my face. There's no way that could have been me. I mean the whole bus accident was just a coincidence…. Right?... right?...

"Eliot, with some patience and learning you can control this and become a powerful magician."

"Yeah, you're hilarious Dean. Any minute now I'll wake up and have to go do my chores, but thanks for the good dream." I stood up and took a few steps towards the door. "Oh, and your tricks are really good, don't know how you'd know I'd think of the water glass but good job."

"Eliot, it's your choice to stay here but if you leave now you can't come back and your mind will be wiped and you will have no recollection of what happened here."

"Yeah I often forget my dreams when I wake up."

"This isn't a dream Eliot! You are here, you are a magician."

"If that's the case, then my family has to miss me since I disappeared into the shed for chicken feed a few hours ago."

"It's been several days on Earth Eliot."

"Great, so I've been retardedly looking for chicken feen in a shed for days?! "

"Your family has been informed of your acceptance to a prestigious college."

"Yeah, that's believable, the genius who went missing after walking into a shed."

"They have a different understanding and to them it all makes sense, you just have to trust me on this."

"Oh right cause we're all magic"

"What more proof do you need Eliot, you just saw yourself do magic."

"I don't know, I just don't know!" Getting increasingly more frustrated and not knowing what to think.

I started feeling dizzy. Everything started spinning and I fell over, passing out instantly.

I woke up connected to what looked like crystals while people looked at me through different collared glass.

"He appears to have self destructed" One nurse stated.

"Yes, he should recover fully in a few days." The other states and walks out of the room.

"Wait, self destruct… did I die?"

The lady laughs. "No, you're still alive just kind of 'short circuited'."

"Yeah, cause that's better."

"You'll be fine in a few days."

"Ok" I sighed and laid back down. Before I knew it I fell asleep. I woke up later to see more nurses checking on me. I quickly fell back to sleep.

"What's the report?"

"He over extended Dean."

"Typical for new physicals like him."

"His vitals are strong but he has very dark energy within him."

"We can work on that."

I heard the clacking of his shoes as he walked away. I woke up several hours later to see the professor from before standing by my bed.

"You're lucky to be alive. The last physical that went down like that didn't wake up."

"Well, lucky me."

"You are lucky. Spring break starts in a few days and if you would like we can arrange to have you sent home."

"Please don't" I cringe and look away. "I don't want to go back. I can't go back"

"You're more than welcome to stay here, your room will be open to you and we will make arrangements for you to stay."

She put her hand on my shoulder and smiled then just walked away.

After another day I was let out of the infirmary and allowed to wander. Everyone else had taken the advantage of going home. I knew if I went home it would be nothing but lectures about how much work I missed and how much more money the farm would make if I was there. I would also hear how crazy it was that I went off to some crazy school after not saying anything. I'll opt to stay here and drink and smoke… speaking of the latter I could really use a smoke.

I went back to my room and rifled through my things to find the packs I had in my bag. I pulled one out and looked for a lighter. Damn nothing. Maybe someone else has one. I wandered the house and went into Margo's room. She had candles, she has to have a lighter. I opened a drawer and found one. I looked around her room at the pictures and got a bit of an idea of who she was. She had photos with friends on beaches and one of her parasailing and another of her kneeling down petting a kitten. I smiled. She could be someone I'd hang out with.

I left her room and walked outside and lit my cigarette. My God that was good. I smoked that one and lit another right after. I walked around campus and explored, much easier to do when there's not groups of people doing magic with each other or trying to read your mind. Stupid psychics. I spent the day just finding where things are and laying on the walls and smoking. I walked back to the house and made myself a drink. After a few drinks I went to bed.

I woke up the next morning and thought about what to do that day. I walked outside and had my morning smoke. I saw the dean walking towards me.

"Eliot."

"God Damn it not again." I finished my smoke and walked over to him.

"Glad you're out an about."

"Me too"

"Come with me, I want to show you something." I reluctantly followed as he just turned and walked away.

"So, what's so amazing?" We walked into a room.

"This." He said pulling something out of a drawer. "Eliot you can potentially be a very powerful magician but you have to learn how to control your emotions and deal with your past."

"So you want to be my therapist?"

"I can be."

I laid back on the desk. "It all started when I was born…" I mocked.

"Eliot, I'm serious. If you cannot control your emotions you will not harness your magic. Your magic is mind controlled if your mind is messed up so is your magic."

"Yeah well the only way that will happen is forgetting I'm some farm kid from Indiana."

"Eliot your past does not define you. You can be whoever and whatever you want. If you don't like who you are then change it. No one is making you go home and no one is making you stay here. You decide your own fate. All we do is help you make the best choices."

"Ok, thanks for the therapy session but can I go now?"

"You can go as soon as you can make this move where you want, when you want it to." He places the marble he pulled out of the drawer on the desk and walks out of the room.

I sat there and stared at it for a minute. It rolled a little then rolled back. I kept staring at it then looked at a glass jar. I looked back at the marble. Nothing. I looked at the marble then at the window. Nothing. I stood up and started doing motions with the looking from marble to jar. Still nothing. I looked like an idiot waving my hands and looking from a marble to a jar. Stupid marble.

I sat back down. What the hell did he think he was really going to do? I can't shoot a marble at shit without touching it. Wait. That's it. If I get up, throw the marble at something and act like I succeeded maybe that would work. I got up, grabbed the marble and threw it. It immediately flew back towards me and landed on the desk.

"What the fuck?"

I sat down again and just stared at the marble. "Move!... Move!... Fucking move you stupid….Shit!" I watched it fly across the room and shatter several glass jars.

"Well done." The dean walked back in clapping.

"What?"

"You commanded it and it moved. Step one. Now, step two. It moved when you wanted, now make it move where you want." He set another marble down and walked away.

"Fuck this shit." I got up and tried to leave. The doors were locked. I kicked the doors and nothing.

I went back to the desk. "Ok marble… can't leave till you go in the cup… so go." Nothing. "Go on stupid fucking marble just get in the cup." I waved my hands and chanted monk like "get in the cup stupid fucking marble". Still nothing. Well, last time it worked when I was pissed, not exactly how I wanted it to but it worked. I stood up and paced the floor. Stupid marble, stupid tests, stupid…. Me.

Why can't I do this? I put my head in my hands and just stare at the marble. Just get in the damned cup you stupid marble. Still nothing.

I looked up when I heard the door open. The dean walked back in.

"Eliot, what happened?"

"What? Nothing. I didn't do anything" I looked around to make sure I didn't have another bus incident on my hands. You know the unintentional telekinetic catastrophy.

"The first part only took you about an hour now it's been several."

"Well I guess I'm not the Houdini you thought I was." I looked down. Failing was nothing new to me, I mean my high school GPA was only 2.5, just high enough to be in musicals. Part of the reason I didn't want to go home after the family was convinced I was in some fancy college. Perhaps they assumed it was the other kind of special and I had teachers who talked slow and my own helmet. I'm sure that's where their minds went, special college for Eliot. I sighed and looked away. _Don't fucking cry Eliot_ I thought to myself and no sooner after that I felt a tear roll down my face. _Damn it_

"I think that's enough for today. Go home and rest."

I grabbed my things and walked out of the room in a rush hoping he didn't notice the whole tear thing. Hoping I hid it well enough. I don't cry.

I got back to the house and sat on the couch after making myself a drink. I finished that one and made myself another. I don't know how many drinks I had but I didn't remember falling asleep. I woke up next to three empty bottles. Shit. I got up and cleaned up cause I knew everyone would be coming back soon. I had to become something else. Something more than just some dumb farm kid. I looked over and saw a book shelf and scoured the books. I grabbed one and started reading. I came across a chapter about some guy who created a new version of himself. I don't need a clone or to completely change who I am but I just want to be higher on the totem pole than I am. I want to be someone from a big city with a hint of cynicism and sarcasm.

I walked back up to my room and got dressed. I looked in the mirror and thought to myself _why can't you just be better? I want to be the Eliot they think I am. I don't want them to think I'm just some dumb farm kid._ I took a deep breath and looked away. I refuse to cry again.

I walked downstairs just in time to see Margo walk through the door.

"Hey daddy" she says in her usual seductive tone.

"Hey Margo" I say as I walk over to make myself a drink.

"How was your week?"

"Well after I woke up, I smoked, I drank, passed a test, failed another and slept. Oh, I jerked a few out in your room, hope you don't mind." I retorted while sipping my cocktail.

"Mind? No? But I am a little turned on now." Margo purred back as she grabbed my glass and took a sip. "I don't know what happened to you while I was gone but I likey. So bold now." She ran her hand through my hair.

"Ummm Margo…. There's something you should…." Before I could even complete my thought she interrupted.

"Oh relax I won't fuck you till you beg for it. Rape isn't my style."

I get up and make myself another drink since mine was stolen. I told Margo about the tests and what the dean told me.

"So apparently I can only do magic when I'm pissed and even then it doesn't work how I want."

"El, that's why we're here to learn this magic shit. Just calm down"

"It just sucks. I'm so tired of fucking shit up and failing."

"Well if you failed you wouldn't be here so deal." She snorted and finished the last of her drink.

"Yeah. I guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right."

I sat down and took a sip of my drink. A few more people walked in laughing and sharing their break stories. I sat and listened. More and more people got home. Amongst all the talking I made my final decision to be the guy I wanted to become. Without fully thinking it through I got up on the living room table.

"Tonight we party like this place has never seen before. Things will get weird kids. Tomorrow people will wake up praising us for bringing the word party into their lives. There will never be a party as good as ours. This will be legendary. Physical kids world changing cocktails and party!" I step off the table seeing everyone look at me seemingly confused for a moment before they burst into cheers. _This must be what that guy from Braveheart felt like._

"Who made this drink?" I heard a voice call from across the room.

"Eliot." Margo answered "And you will never be as cool as him so don't try." She took a sip of her drink and smiled in pride as she destroyed some kid's confidence in one sentence.

"Well we have our bartender." Another kid declared.

"ok…" I agree hoping I remember what I did.

"You have to make a pitcher of these for tonight." He said and handed me a pitcher and the others cheered and agreed.

I helped decorate the house and make drinks and we all made food. I just hope that what I said earlier stands to be true. We would find out tonight after our gathering and see who showed up and how much fun was had.

I don't remember much about the night before but I remember being woken by the dean.

"Eliot Waugh. Come with me."

I got up seeing the people sleeping on the couch and the empty bottles and the house looked like a mess. I would guess last night was successful.

"Eliot things like this are against the rules."

" I didn't know…"

"Eliot…"

"No one got hurt and we didn't destroy anything. We were just having fun. I'll clean up the house."

"Yes you will. Then you will meet me in my office. You still have a lesson to complete."

"Oh right the marble." I mumble.

"Yes, and it will not be as easy today. Clean then my office. You have an hour." He walked away and left me to my cleaning. I grabbed a trash bag and started cleaning up. Slowly people woke up and headed to their houses while congratulating me on a crazy night. I finished after about 45 minutes thanks to Margo helping. I walked to the dean's office like the world's worst walk of shame. I almost wish it was just a walk of shame then I wouldn't have to do a stupid test when I got where I was going.

I walked into the dean's office and he set a coffee cup and a marble on his desk.

"Don't break my mug and don't break anything in my office." He stated coldly and walked out.

I sat down in his chair and stared at the marble. I put my head in my hands and just started to feel terrible. "Why can't I do this? They obviously think I can. I'm so damned tired of being such a fucking failure." I start to cry out of frustration. "Just go in the stupid cup you stupid marble. What the fuck is this test supposed to prove anyway?!" I lay my head on the desk and hide my face. "just fucking work…." I lay there for a moment just thinking when the silence is broken. Clink. I look up to see the marble is no longer on the desk.

The dean walks back in. "Three hours, not bad. You'll get quicker." He took the cup of the desk and dumped out the marble. "Here, take it. Practice." He handed me the marble and let me go.

I took the marble and put it in my pocket and walked out all while not making eye contact. I walked back to the house in silence. I pulled a cigarette out of my pocket and lit it and smoked in silence the whole walk back.

I walked up to my room and put the marble in a drawer.

"Welcome back you rebel" Margo said standing in my doorway.

"Thanks" I nervously laughed.

"People are still talking about Eliot's party. You're a legend El. Way to go."

I smiled and awkwardly laughed. Margo walked away and said she would be back later. I sat in my room and thought about how classes started back tomorrow and wondered if there would be more stupid marble tests. I'm really beginning to hate these things.

I spent most of the day just laying around. I went to bed and woke up the next morning to the sound of my alarm. I rolled out of bed and got dressed. I had to look as good as I did before spring break. I pulled out a clean shirt and pair of pants. I heard Margo coming down the hall.

"Margo!"

"What?"

"Come here."

Margo walked into my room. "What's wrong now?"

I stood there looking at her holding three different ties.

"Oh sweetie." She walked over and right past me and grabbed a different tie from the closet. Without even saying anything she put it on me and tied it in that fancy knot like she did before. She kissed me on the cheek and walked off.

I gathered my things and ran after her. I made it to my first class with a few minutes to spare. I opened my book and saw a picture of a fairy. I laughed.

"The fuck El?" Margo snapped beside me.

"It's a fairy, like the ones people have in their garden."

"Ok, El, that's not helping." She said without even looking my direction.

"Right." I cleared my throat and the teacher walked in.

"Eliot Waugh"

I looked up. _What the hell did I do now?_

"Come down front please."

"Ummm I'd rather not."

Some students chuckled while others gasped.

"It wasn't a question Mr. Waugh. Down front."

"Can't I just stay here?" I stayed seated really not wanting to go in front of the class.

"Eliot come here."

I reluctantly stand and walk to the front.

"Bring your things."

 _What the fuck? I didn't even do anything._

I gathered my things and walked to the front. As I got there I saw the dean walk in.

"Eliot?"

"Yes?" I say not even looking up.

"Come with me."

He starts to walk out of the room and I slowly follow him. On the way out I hear the teacher start her lesson.

 _Great, bring me here to learn magic then take me out of class._

"Eliot, we have come across some new information." He started so calmly.

I took a deep breath. _Shit what if that whole bus thing was me and they're sending me home. I can't go home._

"Eliot?"

'Um… yes…."

"We know about your past and we know about your family."

"Yeah, what's the point?"

"I know why you don't want to go home."

"Ok"

"I think you have a right to know Eliot."

"Know what?"

"You're stronger than you think and very influential here. I would hope you would use your powers and persuasion for good." He sat down at his desk and pulled out a folder.

"Ok. Sure whatever you say." I rolled my eyes not sure exactly what the hell was going on.

"You didn't like your home did you?"

"No."

"Since you left the family has been doing better."

"Good for them." I snapped.

"Eliot, what thoughts did you have while living there?"

"How I hated it and didn't want to be there anymore."

"Your family thinks you are at a prestigious college."

"So fucking what?" I was getting angrier by the second. All he was doing was stating how much better they all were without me. I didn't care. I hated that damned farm anyway.

"So…"

"So what? Yeah, I don't want to go home. And clearly now it's damned good that I fucking don't since they're all so much better without me. Wouldn't want to go home and ruin the precious family dynamic. Heaven forbid they ever have to see their mother fucking failure 'magician' son ever again. Well they don't have to fucking worry. They can all be happy and have their fucking happy lives. They obviously didn't care that I went missing. And when some stranger explained that I was accepted to some fancy college there was no congratulations or we're proud of you. No it was fucking NOTHING! Fuck them. Fuck that God damned place and fuck them!" I screamed it all without hardly taking a breath. I felt light headed. The room was spinning. I looked over to see a glass fly across the room right before I fell.

I woke up a few moments later to see the dean standing over me.

"This is what can happen. If you can't harness your anger your magic will do you no good."

"Then give me a fucking Xanax and let me go."

I stand up and dust myself off.

"Eliot…"

"Dean, can we not? So my so called family is better off without me, just proves that I never have to go back there. And I believe without a shadow of a doubt that I can harness my anger any time I want." I stopped mid thought and was slightly surprised at how my voice wasn't as shaky anymore and I almost sounded articulate. My first thought wasn't comparing myself to the people in the cities I felt like some other person. Still mostly myself but the version of myself that I wanted to let people believe I am.

"Eliot."

"Dean, please don't. I don't need you to make me feel better. Can I just go?"

"Yes, I think that's enough of my lesson for the day. Besides, don't want you to miss your next class. You'll need this one."

I walked to my next class taking my time making my way across campus so I might enjoy a smoke along the way. I walked into the building and took a deep breath then walked into the classroom. I perched myself at a desk in the back of the class.

This tall, awkward man walked into the room from the back and made his way to the front. He carried several books and had a bag over his shoulder. He piled his books on the desk. He looked up and pushed his glasses up and looked around the room. I was the only one here.

"Ok, attendance… " he muttered pulling out a book from the stack.

 _Geeze, this guy is insane._

He cleared his throat. "Eliot Waugh?"

"Yeah, I'm the only one here." I snap.

"Oh good. You made it."

"What the hell?"

I looked at him confused and walked down to the front of the room. I sat at one of the desks as he walked around his desk and stood in front of me.

"The first lesson, is patience, the second is control and the third…." He stopped mid sentence and looked at me. He held up his hand in a claw like motion and I saw lightning between his fingers like some kind of comic book character.

"woah! What the hell is that?"

"A simple manifestation of telekinetic energy."

"You have to teach me that."

"You have to control your emotions."

"Well, how the fuck do I do that?"

"Breathing, meditation and this…" He pulled out a small flask from his bag.

" A flask?"

"Yeah. You enchant it and it never runs out."

"Ok, that's bitchin' how do I make with the endless booze?"

"It doesn't have to be booze."

"It doesn't not have to be booze."

"What?"

"Look, I can tell you I'll enchant it with cherry kool-aid but you and I both know, you hand me that thing and I'm making endless Eliot happy sauce."

"Your soul will lead you to the right enchantment."

"Well seeing as my soul is mostly gin we all know it's leading me to the nearest bar."

"Eliot this isn't a joke."

"Drinking is never a joke. It's a great responsibility handed to us from the gods to keep us happy and sane and to keep us from committing murder."

"Eliot."

"Ok. I get it."

He handed me a book.

"Don't look and just open it. Flip though the pages. The spirits will tell you when to stop.

I figured I'd listen just once. I flipped through the book and stopped on a page and set the book down on the desk. He looked down at the book and started chanting something while waving his one hand over the flask.

"Here you go. This is the enchantment you were given."

I took the flask and opened it. I smelled what was in it and took a sip.

"Daddy likey" I smiled and put the flask in my pocket.

"Use it wisely." He closed the book and grabbed another from the pile and handed it to me. "Please take care of this. There's not many copies left but you need to read it by next class. There will be a test."

I looked down at the book. "Telekinetics and the Modern Mind" I looked back at him. "Sounds boring."

"Sounds like if you want to pass you will read the book Eliot Waugh." He snapped and gathered his things, snapping his flask enchanting book shut and walking out of the room.

"Testy little thing aren't you." I pulled out my flask and took a few more drinks. "Ah, gin."

I took his book and walked back to the house. I enjoyed another smoke on the way back. I took my flask out of my pocket and took another drink. "I could get used to this." I laugh "thank you gin spirits." I raise the flask as if making a toast and took another drink.

A man appears in front of me as if out of nowhere.

"What the hell?!"

"He warned you."

"What?!" Something snatched the flask out of my hand and it shot over to another man standing by a tree.

"You were told this was a responsibility and to use it wisely." It was the teacher from a few minutes ago. He looked at the other man. "Thank you John. I'll take it from here." The other guy nodded and walked away.

"Ok. Ok I get it. Give it back."

"I don't know if I should."

"Ok. Fine. I'll save it. But seriously, it never runs out, so why not just keep a steady flow going to keep me happy?"

"It may be never ending Mr. Waugh but it still requires control." He holds the flask in front of me.

"Ok so I won't get wasted off of magic gin. Can I have it back now?"

"Use it wisely. And for the love of all saints read the book." He handed my flask back, though I could tell he wasn't happy about it, and walked away.

"It's ok, the angry man is gone." I say putting my flask in my pocket, but not before sneaking another drink.

"Eliot!" I turned around to see Margo walking towards me. "I heard about you passing out. You ok?"

"Yeah, just crazy shit when you're telekinetic I guess. I laugh secretly hoping it wasn't anything serious.

"You seem different El." She said putting her hand on my shoulder.

"Different how?"

"Like more calm and collected. I like this El." She smiled.

"Yeah, kind of feel more calm." I kept my flask to myself.

We walked back to the house and I sat on the couch and read the book I was given. It wasn't terribly long and was a lot of what the dean told me last week about how I need to control my emotions and such.

I sighed and walked upstairs and put the book in my room. I shook my head at the book but thought to myself that I hoped I could pass these tests. I know I can't go home I just hope I can stay here long enough to get this shit figured out. I took out my flask and took another drink. This will surely come in handy.

I walked back downstairs and met up with Margo.

"I have to go to the library so that means you do too." She grabbed my hand and let me out the door.

"Margo. What the hell?"

"So apparently my special skill is gossip, a constant need to know it all, all the time. It's fucking annoying." She rolled her eyes.

"I'm telekinetic." I state, absent mindedly taking a drink from my flask.

"Geeze El, what's with the drink?"

"It's just gin."

"You carry a flask with you?"

"And a pack of smokes. Want one?" I hold the pack out to her.

"No thanks, I think I'll die of natural causes, but thanks."

"Up to you." I shrug and light a smoke.

We get to the library and Margo walks over and grabs a magazine and settles in to start reading it. Not wanting to be a nerd I grab a random book off the shelf and sit by Margo.

"Hello students, anything I can help you find?" a skinny woman walks over carrying a few books.

"I'm good." I fake smile and look through the book I grabbed off the shelf.

"Suit yourself. No book gets picked here without a reason. Enjoy your time." She smiled and walked away. I looked at Margo confused, she shrugged and I looked down at the book I grabbed.

"Quieting the Emotions: A Telekinetic Guide" _seriously?_

I thumbed through the pages and quietly read. As long as Margo is here reading I might as well too.

I don't know how long we sat there but I finished the book and half of another. I stood up and stretched.

"Ok Margo. I've had enough."

"Good, I'm done anyway."

Margo and I walk back to the house. I make myself a drink and sit on the couch by the fireplace. I listen to the pops and crackles and remember the days back on the farm when we would have fires that lasted into the night. I shook my head to rid my mind of the thought.

"What's up El?" Margo asked sitting next to me.

"Nothing, just thinking." I shrugged it off hoping she wouldn't notice.

"Whatever you say El." She sat there and drank her wine.

After a while Margo got up and went to bed. I sat up and watched the fire for a while after that. I don't remember falling asleep but I woke up to people leaving for their classes.

"Shit! I'm late" I get up and straighten my tie run up and grab my books and head off to class.

I walked into the room from yesterday.

"Eliot Waugh"

"Still the only one."

He walked over and handed me a paper. "You have an hour" he set the paper in front of me and walked away.

I looked down and started writing the answers I could. I don't even recall reading about some of this stuff in that stupid book he gave me. I walked the paper up to him and handed it in. I was pissed. Why give me a book and tell me to read it then ask me questions that aren't in the damned book?

"Well…"

"Well what? Half of your damned questions weren't even in that book you gave me."

"Life is a learning experience and we always have more to learn. Do not learn just for a test, learn for interest, learn for intelligence." He said all this without even looking up.

"I'm tired of all the lessons. Can't you just teach me something I'll actually use?"

"I already have."

"What?"

"You're not yelling and accusing me, you're questioning me. Congratulations, you pass the first test."

"What the hell?"

"I believe the words you're looking for are 'thank you sir'"

I must admit that last one was pretty good. I smiled. "Thanks"

"Quite welcome Mr. Waugh. Now move along or you'll be late."

I looked at the clock. He was right. I had to meet the dean in fifteen minutes. I walked across campus and to the dean's office. I was there before him. I sat down and waited. After a while he still wasn't there. I waited for a while longer. I got tired of sitting and walked over and laid on the couch. I closed my eyes and dozed off. I woke up when I heard the door open.

"The lessons in patience are working I see." He said as he sat down casually.

"What do you mean? By the way you're two hours late." I snarled.

"Had this happened when you got here, my office would be destroyed by now. Instead I find you relaxed and even napping. Well done."

"Thanks, I think. So what's the point in this meeting?"

"That was it. You may go."

"Seriously? You wanted me to meet you here so you could be late just to see what I would do?"

"Very good Eliot."

"What the hell is going on?"

"You've learned to not just act on your frustration, you've learned to inquire before you react. You've made a tremendous milestone Eliot. Well done."

I just stood there confused and wondering if I was now part of some insanely elaborate prank.

"You may go now."

I shook my head and just walked away. On my way out I looked back at the dean.

"For my next lesson can Professor Fennec teach me that lightning thing?"

"Impatient?"

"I just want to learn something cool."

"I'll see what we can do."

It wasn't a flat out no. I'll take what I can get and chose to walk back to the house. I walked in to find Margo sitting on the couch reading another magazine.

"Catching up on the world?"

"Hey it's not easy having to know all the valuable information of the world. Such as you and your secret enchanted flask and your inability to tie a fucking tie."

"Ok. Ok. Calm down." I raise my hands and back away and make a drink.

"Another drink El?"

"Yes."

"Make me one and I won't judge you for the rest of the night about your newly found alcoholism."

"Ok, two drinks it is."

I walk out and hand Margo her drink and sit on the chair across from her. I watch her read for a while before I get up and walk over to our bookshelf and find a book to read.

I was looking over the bookshelf to find something to read. Nothing really caught my eye then I heard Margo scream from the other room.

"Eliot!" It sounded like someone grabbed her. I ran to the living room to see someone grabbing her right before they put a bag over my head.

"What the fuck?!"

They led us a little ways away. It wasn't too far but far enough that my feet slightly hurt walking that far. They took the bag off Margo's head then off mine.

"What the actual fuck?!" I waved my hands in front of one of the captures and his mask came off. "What the…?" I looked around, we were in the woods.

"First years!" I heard a voice from behind me call out. I turned around to see other students lined up in front of me. "Welcome to the trials! You will be put through a series of tests to decide if you move on. If you pass you move to year two, you fail and you're gone."

He laughed and we all started looking around at each other. I put my arm around Margo.

"Please proceed to the dining hall for the first part of the trial."

I follow the others and make my way to the tables.

"Name?"

"Umm, Eliot Waugh."

"Hmmm Eliot….Eliot… ahh here you are." She hands me a card that tells me what table I'll sit at. I was hoping I would end up with Margo but no such luck. I sat at the table with two other guys I had never met before, although I must admit one was rather attractive.

"I'm Jeff." The first one said.

"I'm Jake." The second chimed in.

"Eliot. Sorry I didn't' get the J name memo." That made Jake laugh, goal achieved.

"Ok kids, you have one hour for the first part of this test, and it's pretty much impossible so good luck. Open your books, start now." The leader stated and just walked out of the room.

"What the hell? We have to solve this damn spell with just this shit on the table? There's no fucking way we are going to do this shit!" Jeff stated in a crazed and panicked tone.

"Fucking chill dude, there has to be a solution or we wouldn't fucking be here."

I liked the way he took charge. Kind of sexy.

"Ok so what can we do?" I ask looking over the materials given to us.

"Hmmm. Well, I'm a psychic, I could just read someone's mind and get the answer." Jake stated also examining the items on the table.

 _Shit. He's a fucking psychic. He can read minds. He probably knows everything I've been thinking this whole damned time and he knows that I think he's hot. Fuck well if he didn't before he does now. Fuck… stop thinking Eliot! How do I stop thinking? Shit! Ummmm Sing! "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts…" Yeah that will work._

I was snapped out of my thoughts by the sound of Jake chuckling.

"What?" I say almost defensively

"Nothing." He laughed. He had a great smile.

"Ok, so who's mind do we read?" I looked around the room and tried to see who looked as though they knew what they were doing.

"Her." He nodded towards Margo.

"Her? Are you sure?"

"Yep." He sat there and stared at her for a while. He then started mixing things together in the bowl in front of us. "Done."

"I hope this works."

Just then the leader of the older class walked over. "Let's see how you did." He threw a match into the bowl and it lit up a bright blue flame.

"whoa." I'll admit I was a little shocked.

"Well done, you two pass."

"Two?" I looked over to see Jeff's chair empty. I looked over to see him crouched in a corner rocking back and forth.

"He's not moving on. For his sanity, we'll send him home. Magic isn't for everyone." He stated so coldly and just walked away.

"We will move on to the next part. You will be in pairs. This is a test of trust. Your hands and feet will be bound and you must bare your truth to move on to the next part. Everyone take a drink and drink it. All of it."

I must admit I was thirsty so I was eager to drink the cocktails they had. It tasted slightly bitter but I drank it all anyway.

"If you bare your darkest truth your enchantment will work and you will fly to your other lesson at Brakebills South. Good luck."

"Ooo, we'll fly. Must be a decent plane."

We all walked off and they paired us off. I was paired with Margo. We walked over to an opening in the woods and followed instructions on how we bind our partners. Supposedly if this worked, the ropes would just slide off and you would be free.

"Ok, you want to go first?"

"I don't have secrets, what you see is what you get."

"Margo there has to be something."

"Nope."

"Well the ropes are still there so there has to be some secret you have."

She looked around as if to see who could hear her. Seeing the coast was clear she looked back at me very seriously.

"Ok, I found out I was magic, I was robbing a bank. A guy got killed and I ended up here. I should be in jail right now but instead I'm here." She stood there and her ropes fell to the ground. "Your turn pretty boy." She looked at me judgingly. "What's your secret? That the nanny and high society aristocrats weren't nice to the little shy boy?"

"Margo… umm… I'm gay…" I looked down. Ropes were still there. _What the hell, what bigger secret could I have than that?_

"Try again pretty boy."

"Ummm, ok… I'm not what you think I am."

"You're not a slightly shy crazed rich boy who has no clue how to dress fashionably or tie a tie?"

"I'm…. from…. Indiana….my… family…was….farmers." I choked out.

She started to laugh and I cringed. No one here knew that about me. They all thought I was wealthy and had a summer cottage somewhere. Not that I told them any of that but I didn't exactly deny it either. I felt the ropes fall off my wrists. I looked up at Margo and laughed. "We passed. Now when do we fly off?" I felt a chill then felt a pain that sent me into the fetal position. Next think I knew I was in the air.

 _What the fuck? I'm flying! Wait… How am I flying?_ I felt wing movement _I was a bird?! Shit._

I looked around to see other birds in formation with me. We flew for quite some time then reached a huge resort looking home and landed. We slowly turned back to our human selves and rushed inside where we were greeted with robes.

"Your rooms are down the hall. For fuck's sake go dress so I can bare the thought of eating dinner without having to see your wrinkled cold bodies. Ten minutes, dinner." He said with a prominent Russian accent and walked away.

We walked to our rooms and got dressed in long underwear that was laid out for us. I decided to pair mine with a jacket so I could still look a little better. I walked back down the hall and found Margo. She was dressed and had even styled her hair.

We walked down to the dining room where places set for all of us. We sat down and ate in almost silence. We were all hungry and tired from the trip. After we ate we went back to our rooms. We were told our lessons would start in the morning. Fine with me cause all I wanted to do was sleep. I laid in my bed and closed my eyes and fell asleep almost instantly. I don't know how long we slept but we were woken up by the crazed man screaming in the hall.

"Time to get up sleeping babies, lesson starts now. Be in dining hall in seven minutes!" I heard him walk away and slowly got up and got dressed.

I walked to the dining room and sat down. I was the last one there.

"Series of tests starts now. You will pass or you will fail. Neither affects me any. You will learn discipline and master your magic. First you will be silent. You will learn to put nails in wood."

"That's easy. Like 101 shit." I commented without even thinking.

"Then do it."

I picked up a nail and stood it on end. I began my enchantment, then went silent. I looked at him in confusion and shock.

"Not so powerful without your voice are you pretty boy?"

I shook my head.

"You will learn princess." He patted my head and handed me a nail.

"Now, to your rooms. You can come out when you finish spell." He took a big drink of Vodka. He walked off leaving the bottle on the table.

After all this my head was killing me. I grabbed the bottle and headed towards my room. I finished the bottle and attempted to put the nail in the board. Time and time again I got nothing. I was getting more and more frustrated. I got mad and stared at the wood and the nail and cursed it in my head. It went through the board with force and sunk into the wood a bit. I heard Mayakofski heading down the hallway. He stopped in my doorway. He walked over to see my board. He looked down and ran his hand over the wood.

"Too far. Again." He set down another board and nail and started to walk away when he saw the bottle on the floor. He picked it up and looked at me. "It was you. This is very expensive vodka. You do not value it. You ungrateful…." He stopped.

I looked at him almost pleading with him not to send me home.

"I could fail you." I looked down at the floor. "You will learn." He raised his hand as if he was going to hit me. I cringed. "Again." He smacked the first board away from me and set the new one in front of me and walked away.

I sat there and stared at the nail and board. _Just do what you're supposed to fucking do. Just go in the god damned board. Come on!_

I heard a loud thud and got up to see what it was. I walked out to the kitchen where I heard the noise only to find Mayakofski on a ladder getting down a bottle of booze.

"That's right pretty boy. It's mine and you can't have it. Too expensive for you and if you steal it I fail you. Back to work!"

I couldn't talk so I just walked back to my room. I picked up the nail and put it back on the board. I started concentrating again.

 _Seriously just go in the damned board like you're supposed to. I can't fucking talk so just go in….now!_ I slammed my hand down and the nail drove into the wood. I looked up to see Mayakofski standing at my door. He looked down at the board.

"Good. Go eat."

I stood up and walked to the dining room. I saw the rest of the students at the table. I sat down at my place setting and just stared at my plate. I felt someone reach over and take my hand. I looked up to see it was Margo. She rubbed her thumb on the back of my hand.

"Ok, as much as I enjoyed the silence you can speak." He waved his hand and instantly we could talk again. No one said anything. I think mostly out of fear.

"Hmm silence. Maybe you can learn something."

I looked around and noticed a few students no longer there. I guess they didn't pass.

"Next mind control." He set jars in front of us. You will learn to control these. Since you do not like what is in the jar it will help. Control what you do not like, what you fear."

I looked down in my jar and saw a small snake. Snakes have always creeped me out.

We opened our jars and all stared at our small creatures. I just kept thinking that I wanted this thing to stay away from me. I don't think it was poisonous but I still didn't want it near me.

"What's wrong pretty boy? You don't like the snake?" He picked it up and held it closer to me. I cringed and closed my eyes. "Here, hold him." He held the snake in front of me. I didn't want to hold it.

"It's mind control. You hold it and tell it what to do. You don't want it to bite, command it not to bite. It bites, you fail." He held the snake out. I sat still. He grabbed my hand and put the snake in it.

"ugh." I held the snake at a distance. "Ok don't bite me. Don't bite me. Just go back in your jar and we'll call it a day. I leave you alone and you leave me alone deal?" The snake slithered down my arm to where my elbow was resting on the table and made his way back into the jar.

"Well done. Secret to mind control. Make them think it's their idea."

I shuddered. At least the snake wasn't on me anymore. I got up and walked back to my room. We learned a few other lessons over the next few days and finally were able to return to Brakebills.

He sent us back and we all went back to our respective houses. We came back with about a quarter of the students that we went into the trials with. I would guess this means we are all year two students now. _Happy sophomore year Eliot._

I walked up to my room and laid down. After all that, all I really wanted was a nap. I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. I took a drink from my flask and closed my eyes.

I slept until I woke up. I don't know how long it was but it was well into the next day. I walked downstairs and saw Margo sitting on the couch.

"Good morning Sleeping Beauty, thought I would have to come get you if you slept any longer." She smirked.

"Well I'm awake now so we're good." I walked over and started making a drink. I heard Margo get up and walk over to me.

"El, you can't just drink all the time."

"Sure I can. See we still have alcohol and I have a glass."

"El, you know what I mean. This won't make it all go away."

"Margo, I'll be fine." I felt nauseous and walked away.

"Eliot"

I walked outside and got sick. I walked over to sit on the porch and got sick again. _What the hell?_ I looked up and saw the dean walking towards me. I got up to go back inside and felt nauseous again. I leaned over and got sick again. I felt myself starting to sweat. I got light headed and dizzy and sat down.

"Eliot?"

"Yeah?"

"You ok?"

"Yeah, great. I hurl four times every Thursday morning."

The dean pulled a weird pair of glasses out of his pocket and put them on and looked me up and down.

"This is serious." He stood up and motioned for someone to come over. A small blond woman walked over. "Something is happening. I've seen this with other telekinetics but not this bad."

The woman pulled out a weird device with three lenses on it and proceeded to look at me with it.

"Oh dear, he needs help."

Odd. Wasn't expecting her to have an English accent. "Get him to the infirmary and I will look after him."

The dean bent down and grabbed my hand and led me to the building I was in when I woke up from passing out before. He walked me over to a bed and I laid down.

"You'll miss the first day of classes but I'll ensure you don't miss anything." He said as if he thought that was my first concern.

"Look, I'm fine. I just need to sleep it off."

A woman walked in with a clipboard and looked at me like I was some wounded puppy. Cue Sara McGloughlan singing "Arms of an Angel."

"Don't speak, just lay down Eliiot." She put her hand on my shoulder and kind of guided me back to laying down.

"What the actual hell? Look, I'm just hungover and just need to sleep it off."

The other blonde walked into the room.

"Poor thing. And so young."

"What the fuck is going on?

"Eliot, you're having an imbalance of mind and soul."

"Yeah, story of my life lady. Can I go now?"

"Eliot this is serious. If we don't fix this and get you realigned it can be dangerous to you and those around you. You could harm yourself or others or even lose your magic."

Ok, maybe this was serious. I didn't want to lose my magic. For Christ's sake I still haven't learned Professor Fennec's lightning thing yet.

"Ok so how do we fix this soul thing?"

"You need rest. Drink this."

She handed me a small glass full of green liquid. I reluctantly drank it. It was terribly bitter but if it would mean that I don't lose my magic, I'll take it. I immediately felt tired and laid back down. I watched a few nurses hook some things up to me as I drifted off to sleep.

I woke up to the dean sitting in a chair next to me. I looked over and tried to speak. The first word I tried to speak made me cough. My throat was so dry.

"He's awake!"

Nurses came rushing in and surrounded me. One checking heart rate while others looked at my hands and hair and face. It was incredibly awkward.

The English lady walked back in with her strange lenses and started looking me over.

"He seems to be aligned. It worked. He's awake and appears to be fine."

I was slightly concerned for how surprised she sounded. Like she didn't think the treatment she was so hasty to give me would actually work.

"Yeah, it worked, I guess." I tried to sit up.

"Please stay here. You're too weak to move right now. We'll get you some water and some food."

I looked around and saw the dean smiling almost relieved while everyone else was celebrating. I also saw some jars next to my bed full of black liquid. _Did that come out of me?_ I hoped that had nothing to do with me.

The nurse came back in and helped me sit up and gave me some food. I was starving so the food was a nice event to wake up to.

"Eliot how are you feeling?" the dean asked.

"Ok, I think." I said between bites.

"It's been a week."

"Shit." I stopped mid bite. I had figured it had been a few hours, maybe a day or so, not a week.

"That doesn't matter, what matters is you're better. We will continue to work on harnessing your power and calming your mind. Once you can manage to control every thought you have you can be a better telekinetic."

"Ok then." I wasn't in the mood to argue.

"You'll get it in time Eliot."

"Well, I'm obviously good enough to be a year two." I stated like it was a point of fact.

"Yes, you are a year two which means things will only get harder. You have a lot to learn Eliot."

"I really just want to know Fennec's lightning thing." I held up my hand like he did the first day in class. Nothing. Damn.

"All in good time Eliot."

I sighed and went back to eating.

"In a few days you'll be good enough to continue your classes. For now rest up and focus on staying calm."

I waited till they all left and I was alone. I watched the sun set outside my window and looked around at how empty the room was. Not like back home when someone would get sick and there would be cards and flowers and little trinkets but it was empty.

Just cold mystical medical shit everywhere. I heard the faint beep of the heart monitor that was about the only 'familiar' thing about this place. I just laid there. I went through the motions. The nurses came in and checked things and gave me medicines. I faked being happy when there were people in the room but when I was alone, I must admit I was sad.

Everyone left the room in the afternoon and I cried. It was the first time in a while I remember just breaking down. I heard the door open and I wiped the tears off my face quickly and looked out the window in effort to hide what happened. I knew it was the dean the moment he started talking.

"How are you today Eliot?"

"I'm fine." I said coldly.

"I don't believe you."

"I'm fine really. Just tired of being here." I tried to explain myself.

"Eliot. You're not fine. You can't keep hiding this." He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder. "If you want to continue to learn magic you have to get this under control."

I didn't say anything just thought if I had my alcohol I would be fine. No one would know anything if I could just drink. I'd be fine.

"Eliot?"

"Yeah, I'm fine." I went back to looking out the window.

"I'm giving you two choices either you sort this out and not just by drinking and self medicating or you can go home."

"I can't go home!" I yelled without missing a beat.

"I know your home life is not what you desired but you could seriously hurt yourself or others if you don't get this under control. Being telekinetic your mind controls your magic and you control your mind and you can't let your emotions control you. Self medicating will not fix this Eliot."

"So what? You want me to go sit on some couch and talk about how I feel sad and how my family hates me and how if it wasn't for me coming here I'd probably be dead by now?!"

"Eliot…" He stopped. He had a look on his face like he had just seen a ghost.

"I don't know what you want! Do you want me to tell you I don't feel like I really belong here or constantly feel like I'm going to fail and be sent home at any given moment?" I looked up and he looked terrified. "What?! Say something!" I was now more frustrated and started crying again. I couldn't control it. "Say something!"

"Eliot. Calm down." He held his hands up like he thought I was going to hit him.

"What?"

"Calm down… Eliot….just breath and calm down."

Why was he so terrified? What happened?

I sat up and saw my reflection in the mirror on the wall. My eyes were glowing green. What the hell?

"Eliot, just lay down and relax." He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder. I laid back and took a deep breath and felt more calm.

"Dean?"

"Yes?"

"What happened?"

"That's what can happen when you don't control your emotions. Your magic is very powerful and when you get upset it can be dangerous. You may think things and they can happen. You are a powerful magician. With the right tools you can do amazing things."

"Oh." I looked away. I wasn't used to hearing things like that. I was never called 'powerful' or told that I could do anything. I was always told what I could do and when I could do it and how to do it. This whole thing was new to me.

"Get some rest Eliot. We can start tomorrow. For now, rest." He patted my shoulder and walked away.

I closed my eyes and went to sleep. I think it was the most restful night I had in a long time. I woke up and watched the sun rise before the nurses came in and disconnected me from everything.

"The dean requested to meet with you after your release." One of them said handing me some papers.

"Thanks." I said getting up and getting dressed. I slowly walked outside and made my way to the dean's office. I knocked on his door, preparing for a lecture of how I need to control my emotions.

"Come in."

I walked in and saw the dean and Fennec.

"Hi." I didn't know what else to say.

"I heard you want to learn something…" Fennec started.

"Well aren't we all here to learn something?" I stated.

"Yes, we all are." The dean laughed.

"I want to show you something Eliot." Fennec said walking close to me. He held his hand up like before and again lighting. I wanted to know how to do that. Without noticing I rolled my eyes.

"Try it." The dean prodded.

"I can't do that, I don't know how."

"And you won't learn if you don't try." Fennec said walking over and lifting my hand. "Here, like this." He formed my hand into the same shape as his. "Now think of lightning."

"Yeah, cause if I just hold my hand like this and think of lighting it will just appear." I looked over and my concentration was broken by the fact that it worked. I saw the lighting.

"Good!" Fennec clapped and laughed. "He's a quick study." Another thing I had never been called in my 2.5 GPA life.

"Eliot." The dean called after me, I'm guessing sensing I was drifting off.

"Sorry… Just thinking…"

"It's ok Eliot." He smiled.

" I just had never been called that before."

"You are smart Eliot just not in the conventional way."

I laughed. "Yeah, I'd say this isn't conventional." I held up my hand and once again produced lightning.

"Excellent!" Fennec clapped from across the room.

"You'll be a powerful magician Eliot. Now, it's the weekend so go home and enjoy it. I'm sure your housemates will want to know you're ok." He smiled and led me out of his office.

"Thank you dean and Professor Fennec. I'll do the best I can."

"I know you will Eliot." Fennec smiled.

I turned and walked down the hall and headed back to the cottage.

I walked slowly so I could smoke on the way back. I took my flask out of my pocket. I took a long drink. Good thing this was a never ending flask. I rolled my eyes while looking around. I was told I was so good and such a powerful magician but I still just didn't believe it.

I got back to the cottage and walked up to my room. I changed into comfortable clothes and just sat on my bed. I had my flask on the bed side table and just kept drinking and practicing the spell Fennec taught me. I just kept doing the motions over and over creating a small hand held lighting and releasing it just to do it all again. I drank and made small lighting.

I got up and paced around my room and kept hearing Fennec's voice every time I took a drink. 'You must use control' "Yeah right, whatever Fennec" I mumbled as I took another drink. I did the spell again and laughed. I drank more. I looked in the mirror and walked over to it to get a closer look at my reflection.

"You'll never be what they want you to be. They just feel sorry for you. For God's sake the only reason Fennec taught you the stupid lighting thing is cause you were so damned annoying about it. Fucking look at you. You god damned farm boy!" I punched the mirror and broke it into several pieces. "Serves you right." I did the spell again. "Look, I can make lightning! Can your other precious son do that?!" I started laughing. I drank some more. "Fuck you Indiana." Another drink. I started to laugh and broke the mirror into smaller pieces. I picked one up and looked at my reflection. "Fuck you Eliot." I said to the reflection. I smashed the piece on the ground and took a big drink.

I got up and made a pile of my old clothes in a small metal trash can I found under my desk. I did the spell Fennec taught me and held my hand close to the pile. It lit fire and I just watched it burn. I picked up the mirror pieces and put them in the can too. "That's not who you are anymore." I growled and looked back in my closet. "This is you. These clothes. Dressing up, vests and ties and there's no more of this shy farm kid shit." I looked down at what I was wearing. Nice pajama pants and a shirt with the school name on it.

I walked over to my bed and sad down. I took another large drink from my flask and laid down and closed my eyes. I was woken up by knocking on my door, more like pounding.

"Eliot!"

I wanted to answer but I couldn't. It was like I was paralyzed.

"Eliot! Eliot! Get up! Eliot!" I could hear Margo outside my door screaming and sounded almost like she was crying. "Eliot!"

I heard another loud bang on the door and a crash after that. I saw Margo standing over me.

"Go get Dean Fogg!" She screamed at the other person standing in the doorway. I closed my eyes and don't know what happened after that.

"Eliot….Eliot… time to wake up." I heard a faint voice.

I grumbled a bit and tried to say something. I couldn't. I barely opened my eyes and I felt dizzy.

"Eliot you can't talk right now. You're hooked up to oxygen. You stopped breathing. We thought we lost you." I heard the voice say.

I opened my eyes again and saw Margo standing at the end of the bed crying. I saw the nurses checking things and adjusting things. I closed my eyes again.

"El, please wake up…" I heard. It was Margo.

I opened my eyes and could feel tears rolling down my face.

"El? Dean! He's awake!" I looked over and saw Dean Fogg walking in the room.

"Eliot. Now is not the time for lectures, now is the time to say we are glad you woke up." Fogg walked over and put his hand on my shoulder and looked down at me and just shook his head. I felt terrible. Usually I didn't care if I let someone down cause I was just so used to it but this time was different. It actually kind of hurt. I looked away and felt the tears starting.

"El, we thought we lost you." Margo said holding my hand.

A nurse walked in and walked over to me. "Good morning." She smiled down at me. "Welcome back. We will take all these tubes and such off of you when you can stay awake."

A few days passed much like the other two. People checking on me and others stopping by to say how they missed me or how I will learn lessons eventually.

After a while the nurses came in and disconnected the tubes and wires. The nurses got me up and walking around. They explained to me how I drank so much and blacked out. I had somehow enchanted myself in my drunken state and set everything off. Since I was so far gone I don't even remember what kind of enchantment I could have done. I guess Fennec was right. Maybe this endless flask thing could be bad for me.

The nurses let me go and I walked over to the dean's office and sat down. After a few minutes he came walking in.

"Eliot. To what to I owe this honor."

"Dean, I need your help." I looked down avoiding eye contact.

"That's what I'm here for." He walked over and sat down at his desk.

"How do I just move on?"

"What do you mean?"

"I just want to be the person I see in my head. I'm tired of this farm boy shit. That's not who I am."

"Then who are you Eliot?"

"I don't know."

"You can be anything you want to be. If you don't like something about yourself then change it."

"I've been trying but it doesn't seem to stick."

"Take a deep breath."

"What?"

"Just trust me."

I took a breath like he asked.

"Now think of what you would like to be."

I thought about the people I looked up to. Their confident attitude. The one's who were funny without trying. Mostly the confidence. I took another deep breath.

"There." I looked up and saw the dean make a final motion with his hands.

"What?"

"Eliot. Magic can't solve everything. Neither can self medicating." He held up the flask. I looked down.

"Yeah, I know."

"Eliot you will need to stop this to get control of your mind and get control of your magic. I'm giving you one month to get your act together and if you can't, I'll have no choice." He looked down at his desk and shook his head. "If you don't like who you are then change it. If you want to learn something then find a way. You're smarter than this. Figure it out Eliot."

I just sat there almost in shock. He had been angry with me before but not like this.

"You may go."

I looked up at him. "Dean…"

"That's all Eliot."

I stood up and walked out of his office. I walked back to the cottage and had a smoke on my way back. I walked in and sat on the couch and even after all that I debated having a drink.

The next month went by and I made it to most of my classes and only had a few drinks. I felt better than I had in a long time. I had learned more spells and worked on the whole calming my mind thing. I felt better and more calm. I felt like I was in control for the first time in a long time.

Margo and I had become closer as well. She liked hanging out with me. We had even began planning a party for that weekend.

"Ok, so this is going to be insane. We have the list of guests finalized, plenty of alcohol and food. This will be a physical's party for the books." She smiled her sly smile

"I can't wait Bambi." I smiled back at her mischieviously.

The day went on and finally it was close to our party. I got dressed in my usual style of pants, a button up shirt and a vest with a tie. Margo chose a fancy short dress.

Our party went better than expected. I made my signature drink and everyone thought it was amazing. It was one of the best parties the cottage has ever had. I was excited cause everyone credited me with its success. I went to bed that night feeling happy. I finally belonged. I finally was more of who I wanted to be.

I laid in bed and thought about how everything had gone down that night. New students came and were in shock at the party and the school. I fell asleep and don't even much remember drifting off. I woke up the next morning. I felt rested but a little hungover. I thought about just staying in bed. I don't think the dean would be too happy seeing me slightly drunk.

I walked downstairs and sat on the couch. I heard Margo walking down the hall.

"Morning Margo."

"Morning El. Ugh my head is pounding."

"You'll be ok, just drink some water." I had my fair experience of being hungover.

I heard a knock on the door but Margo made it to the door before I could.

"Hello Dean…" She drew it out and sounded confused.

"Margo." He greeted her slightly monotone and made his way in.

He walked over to the living room and sat down in a chair across from me. I did my best to sit up straight and ran my hands through my hair.

"Dean…"

"Eliot. I told you that you had a month to get things together. It has been a few days over and it's time to test what you have learned." He sat back and took a small note pad out of his pocket. He took out a pen and flipped the note pad open and watched me.

"Ummm can I go get dressed first?"

" No need, we aren't leaving this room"

"Umm ok… I … guess….what … do…" I was partially confused and partially stalling. I wasn't ready to get kicked out just yet.

"Ok, test one." He took a few notes and looked up at me.

"Ok." I looked down not making eye contact. I was secretly terrified.

"Basic spells. Lighting. Go" He said this all so matter of factly without hardly looking up from his note pad.

"Ok." I concentrated and did the spell that Fennec showed me. "There, lightning."

"Good." He said a bit coldly.

I stood there and awaited the next task.

"Test two. Advanced spells." He wrote something else down in his book.

"Ok. Advanced…." Before I could finish my thought he interrupted.

"Enchanting. You will enchant this and control where it goes."

"Ummm ok…" I looked up long enough to see him holding a vase. I looked at it and tried to remember the spell I was taught in my class last month.

"Any time you're ready Eliot." He said this like he had a deadline and somewhere more important to be.

I did the motions and whispered the words of the spell to myself and secretly prayed it worked. The last time I did it, it worked for a few seconds before the glass crashed into the wall.

 _Crash!_

"Shit!" I let my hands fall and stood there.

"Eliot" he said and closed his note pad.

"I know…" I said without looking up. "I'll go pack." I sullenly stated and started walking out of the room. As I walked past him he grabbed my arm.

"Eliot." He said and turned me to face him. "Let's talk."

"Ok."

"Why didn't that spell work?"

"It didn't' work the last time either."

"And why?"

"I don't know. Probably cause I still can't control my emotions and I still drink and cause I can't enchant things."

"It didn't work because you didn't think it'd work."

"So what. I didn't clap loud enough for Tinker Bell and now magic is gone?"

"You doubt yourself and doubt your skills and that spell will fail every time."

"So then what am I supposed to do?"

"I can't tell you that Eliot."

"You have two days, my office, 3pm" He stated coldly and walked out of the house.

"Two days? Seriously? I have two days to learn this damned spell and learn Fogg's stupid 'believe in yourself' shit." I sat down and put my head in my hands. This is it. In two days I'm going home.

"What the hell was that?" Margo walked into the room carrying a drink in each hand.

"My test. And apparently I failed but I have two days to figure it out."

"You never mentioned a test." She sat down next to me.

"It happened after the last time I got super drunk."

"Oh. Well you'll be fine." She started drinking.

"No Margo, it's not like all the other times. If I fail this I'm gone."

"So you get a slap on the wrist."

"No Margo, I fail this, I'm gone. Gone. Kicked out. Never coming back."

"Shit. El that's serious."

"No shit Margo." I put my face in my hands.

"I'll help you El."

"You can't help me. It's apparently something I have to do myself. The whole 'believe in yourself' thing."

"You're one of the best magicians here El. If they kick you out then they're insane."

"Yeah, well they just might." I picked up the drink Margo made and started drinking.

I don't remember much about the rest of that day. All I do remember is lots of drinking and smoking and praying that I don't get kicked out.

"I can't go home. I need to be here." I muttered as I drank more.

I walked up to my room (more like crawled at this point) and climbed into bed. I half fell asleep and half passed out.

The next morning I felt the sun streaming through the windows and got up and shut the blinds and climbed back into bed. "How in the hell can I just instantly believe in myself and all this when I can't stand who I am?" I mused to the empty room.

I heard a knock on the door.

"Margo! Margo! Go get the door!" I heard no answer and yet another knock on the door. "Margo! Damn it." I threw the covers off and put my robe on and walked down the stairs. I started to feel nauseous. "Shit." I opened the door to see the dean standing there. "Dean Fogg…." I stopped mid sentence and ran outside. I made it down the stairs and got full on exercism projectile sick in the bushes.

"Eliot." He said my name so coldly and just shook his head.

"Dean…I … I …" I looked up at him just shy of having tears in my eyes.

"Eliot."

"Please don't send me home." I knelt down in front of him.

"Eliot. You can't live like this." He said making a note in his little book.

"Dean….I …Ok I have no explaination and I don't know what to do." I looked up at him half hoping he would lecture me and tell me what to do.

"Eliot. One more day." He wrote another note and left. Now I wonder what he originally came here for. Was it just to threaten me or maybe he was going to help me before I hurled all over the landscaping.

"Shit." I sat on the front steps just trying to figure out what to do.

I got up and walked into the side yard. I picked up an empty wine bottle and did the motions and whispered the enchantment to myself. The bottle lifted off the ground and hung mid air. "It's working" I was surprised it was actually working. "Holy shit!"

 _Crash!_

I looked up to see the bottle crash into the wall. "Damn it!" I found another empty bottle and tried again. Same thing. Time after time. I was really good at making these bottles crash into the wall. Maybe I could convince the dean that making them crash was my intention.

I spent a good part of the day trying to get the enchantment to work. After several hours I couldn't do it anymore and started feeling sick. I walked back up to my room and packed the few things that were mine.

"Elliott?" Margo questioned walking into my room.

"Yeah."

"What are you doing?"

"Packing." I said tossing a few things into a box.

"Why?"

"Well after tomorrow I'll be going home. I can't get this spell right and the dean is going to send me home. He said so himself. He said he would have no choice."

"They would be stupid to send you home."

"Well they just might."

"You'll be fine El." She hugged me tightly. "Now get some rest." She led me over to my bed and tucked me in. "Thanks Margo. Hopefully I'll be sleeping here tomorrow night." I laid down and closed my eyes and almost instantly fell asleep.

I had some of the weirdest dreams I have had in a long time. I dreamt of being on an island and falling in love with an exotic guy. I also dreamt of liking a guy in one of my classes. I dreamt of even making out with one of the professors I found attractive. _What's with all the sex dreams?_ It was so odd.

I felt the cool breeze come in through the window. I got up and got dressed. I was so nervous. If I failed this test I would be going home. I can't go home. I could feel my heart beating. I walked slowly to the dean's office. This could be the last time I ever see this place. I got to the building the dean was in and slowly walked up the stairs.

I walked into his office to see him sitting at his desk.

"Eliot. Come in" he motioned for me to come in. I slowly walked in.

"Dean."

"Ok. You know the drill. Test two." He said and put a glass on his desk. He took out his note pad and wrote something down.

"Ok. Test two." I took a deep breath and focused on the glass. I did the hand motions and whispered the enchantment to myself. The glass rose, floated away from the desk and crashed to the ground.

"Again." He barked and placed another glass on the desk.

I did it again and same thing, the glass made it a little further before crashing.

"Again."

I took a deep breath and focused on the glass. It lifted up and flew right into the wall.

"Again."

I stared at the glass and did the motions and whispered the enchantment again. I felt tears rolling down my face. The glass rose and floated over to the table next to me and set down next to the pitcher.

"Good." He said almost emotionless and wrote something down in his book.

"Test three." He said putting a small glass ball on his desk.

I remembered this one. I had to turn the glass ball into something and it would run off or something like that.

I stared at the ball and whispered the spell I learned. The only thing that happened was the ball rolled off the desk and shattered.

"Again." He placed another ball on the desk and looked at me.

I focused on the ball and said the spell again. The ball shook and rolled a bit but nothing happened.

"Shit!" I felt more tears starting.

"Eliot." He said calmly and wrote more notes.

I looked back at the ball and almost pleading with it said the spell again. It rolled a bit then changed to a small bird and flew. The dean reached up and grabbed it and put it on a branch of his desk plant.

"Well done." He sad down and wrote more notes.

"Thanks, I think." I sat down. I felt drained.

"Eliot, what was the common factor in all the times those spells worked?"

" I was about to cry, I don't want to go home."

"Eliot, I've told you before, magic isn't about talent, it comes from pain. It stems from wanting to succeed so badly that there is no other option. Everything you've gone through in life is the reason for your magic. If you stop feeling or you self medicate you will snuff out the very flame that makes your magic. It's fine to have a few drinks or to have a few smokes even. It's fine to want to change the parts of your personality to better become who you want to be. What's not fine is self medicating to the point of being numb. That takes away all the source of your magic. Pain is a necessary part of life and it is essential to your magic."

"Oh."

"Eliot you have to take this seriously. It's ok to have fun but just remember what you're here for."

"I understand."

"See that you do." He stated and wrote more notes.

"I will do my best."

"Yes you will. That's all for today. See you in class tomorrow."

"So I get to stay?"

"Yes, Eliot. You get to stay. You have a lot to learn. You are a powerful magician and you need us to learn to harness your power."

"Thank you." I almost couldn't believe it.

"Your first class is at eight a.m. tomorrow morning. Telekinetics essentials. Don't be late."

"Thank you Dean."

"You're dismissed." He said and opened the door.

I walked through the courtyard and back to the cottage. I saw Margo sitting on the front steps.

"So? What happened? Please tell me those bastards didn't kick you out cause I swear to God."

"No Margo, I get to stay."

"Good. Cause these are not the shoes to kick someone's ass in." She stood up and walked into the house. I followed her into the house and sat down on the couch where she handed me a drink. "Call it a celebration of you not leaving."

"What if I wasn't staying?"

"Then this would be my start to forgetting the day." She said raising her glass. "But you're here and staying so drink up." She smiled and took a sip.

"Cheers." I raised my glass and took a sip.

"Hey El?"

"Yeah?"

"Who's Quentin?"

"What?" I about choked on my drink. Where did she hear that name? I had met a guy at a record store when I was outside of Brakebills for a weekend. He was quirky. Had messy ash blonde hair, was slightly scruffy, a bit awkward but a shy kind of adorable. I was slightly fascinated with him. I bought him coffee, that's how I found out his name. Quentin, even had a nerdy adorableness to it.

"Who's Quentin?"

"Who?"

"Ok, seriously El? You were calling out his name in your sleep and you sounded pretty damned happy about it."

"He's …Umm…He's…"

"Spill it El." She said finishing her drink.

"Ok, a few weekends back I went to a record store and saw this guy. He was nice. Pretty awkward but kind of… well…"

"Oh my God El. You have a crush. That's adorable."

"It's not…" I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

"El. You like whoever this guy is. Oh My God." She smiled and laughed.

"Ok Yes, let's all laugh." I rolled my eyes and finished my drink.

"It's just cute El. To see you all flustered and happy it's cute."

"Cute. Yeah."

"El. Ok. I'm sorry but it is cute." She smiled and hugged me.

"Ok. Ok. It's cute." I laughed.

"Maybe one day you and Quentin will have your gross way with each other." She smiled and hugged me again before walking into the other room to make another drink.


End file.
